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Jul. 15th, 2004 05:41 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
meitantei_cjNew Rules for Employment.
SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.
YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
PAYCHECK GUIDE:
The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:
Item Amount
Gross pay $1,222.02
Income tax $244.40, Outgo tax $45.21, State tax $11.61, Interstate tax $61.10, County tax $6.11 City tax $12.22 Rural tax $4.44 Back tax $1.11 Front tax $1.16 Side tax $1.61 Up tax $1.08 Down tax $1.14 Tic-Tacs $1.98 Thumbtacks $3.93 Carpet tacks $0.98 Stadium tax $0.69 Flat tax $8.32 Surtax $2.23 Ma'am tax $1.23 Corporate tax $2.60 Parking fee $5.00 F.I.C.A. $81.88 T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95 Life insurance $5.85 Health insurance $16.23 Dental insurance $4.50 Mental insurance $4.33 Disability $2.50 Ability $0.25 Liability $3.41 Coffee $6.85 Coffee Cups $66.51 Floor rental $16.85 Chair rental $0.32 Desk rental $4.32 Union dues $5.85 Union don'ts $3.77 Cash advance $0.69 Cash retreats $121.35 Overtime $1.26 Undertime $54.83 Eastern time $9.00 Central time $8.00 Mountain time $7.00 Pacific time $6.00 Time Out $12.21 Oxygen $10.02 Water $16.54 Heat $51.42 Cool air $26.83 Hot air $20.00 Miscellaneous $113.29 Various $8.01 Sundry $12.09 -------
Net Take Home Pay $0.02
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
The Management
-------------------------------------------
Mwahaha. Laughed my head off, I did.
Joan got her bag snatched in the street. Three little kids--and I mean little, the oldest one was caught, and he was 11--came up from behind her and grabbed her bag right off her shoulder. She left early to get her home locks changed and cancel credit cards and her cell phone and such. We're all trying to figure out what she was doing on the block it happened on. >_> No one goes down that block, and there are residential apartments there, and the block curves so that you can't see half of it when you're standing on Hanson Place. Hanson Place is a busy street. St. Elliott isn't.
Anyway, must make dinner... I'm starving. Almost came home early because I was so tired, but I'm glad I didn't... I'd have missed all the excitement. ^^;;;
Oh, and I made an appointment to see my doctor. Unfortunately, I can't see him until after work on the 27th. But it's an appointment.
And Cheeta! Will send your things tomorrow. Don't try to talk me out of it, I won't let you, hehe. I'm disappointed they didn't work too, and I want to make it up to you. ^_^
SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.
YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
PAYCHECK GUIDE:
The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:
Item Amount
Gross pay $1,222.02
Income tax $244.40, Outgo tax $45.21, State tax $11.61, Interstate tax $61.10, County tax $6.11 City tax $12.22 Rural tax $4.44 Back tax $1.11 Front tax $1.16 Side tax $1.61 Up tax $1.08 Down tax $1.14 Tic-Tacs $1.98 Thumbtacks $3.93 Carpet tacks $0.98 Stadium tax $0.69 Flat tax $8.32 Surtax $2.23 Ma'am tax $1.23 Corporate tax $2.60 Parking fee $5.00 F.I.C.A. $81.88 T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95 Life insurance $5.85 Health insurance $16.23 Dental insurance $4.50 Mental insurance $4.33 Disability $2.50 Ability $0.25 Liability $3.41 Coffee $6.85 Coffee Cups $66.51 Floor rental $16.85 Chair rental $0.32 Desk rental $4.32 Union dues $5.85 Union don'ts $3.77 Cash advance $0.69 Cash retreats $121.35 Overtime $1.26 Undertime $54.83 Eastern time $9.00 Central time $8.00 Mountain time $7.00 Pacific time $6.00 Time Out $12.21 Oxygen $10.02 Water $16.54 Heat $51.42 Cool air $26.83 Hot air $20.00 Miscellaneous $113.29 Various $8.01 Sundry $12.09 -------
Net Take Home Pay $0.02
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
The Management
-------------------------------------------
Mwahaha. Laughed my head off, I did.
Joan got her bag snatched in the street. Three little kids--and I mean little, the oldest one was caught, and he was 11--came up from behind her and grabbed her bag right off her shoulder. She left early to get her home locks changed and cancel credit cards and her cell phone and such. We're all trying to figure out what she was doing on the block it happened on. >_> No one goes down that block, and there are residential apartments there, and the block curves so that you can't see half of it when you're standing on Hanson Place. Hanson Place is a busy street. St. Elliott isn't.
Anyway, must make dinner... I'm starving. Almost came home early because I was so tired, but I'm glad I didn't... I'd have missed all the excitement. ^^;;;
Oh, and I made an appointment to see my doctor. Unfortunately, I can't see him until after work on the 27th. But it's an appointment.
And Cheeta! Will send your things tomorrow. Don't try to talk me out of it, I won't let you, hehe. I'm disappointed they didn't work too, and I want to make it up to you. ^_^
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Date: 2004-07-15 03:53 pm (UTC);-)
<3 <3 <3
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Date: 2004-07-15 05:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-15 04:58 pm (UTC)