3.712 GPA, graduated cum laude. And now comes the job search. XD; I have an interview on Thursday and got a supplemental question to answer from another application. The job I'm interviewing at Thursday has the potential to be a telecommuting thing, and health insurance is paid 100% by the company. I'd be helping arts organization clients with the company's cloud-based ticketing/subscription software. The hours are late (3pm-12am), but if I can be at home, that's awesome. If I have to actually go to the office (since I DO live in New York with the company), I wouldn't be hugely keen on leaving work at midnight, but if I had to, I'd do it. I don't know what the pay is, but I'll ask.

The ceremony was pretty short: A former graduate got an honorary degree and was our speaker, and there weren't a lot of speeches made. A lot of the ceremony was actually the conferring of degrees to students. I unfortunately didn't get a lot of pictures because I forgot--I had my cell phone with me (tucked into nature's pocket), but we weren't supposed to bring them and I didn't want to be rude. I should have told Sophie to take lots of pictures for me as she had my camera. ^^;

But anyway, I'm back in Brooklyn and super happy about it. Lots has changed this year. I finally came out to my dad (well, I said I was bi and I identify as pan, but close enough for someone who doesn't really understand things), and he took it well! I have not mentioned being genderqueer yet, but I don't think I need to say anything about that. Clothes are one thing, who I potentially bring home is something completely different.

I also need to get rid of some stuff. I have lots of t-shirts and books that I no longer want. Need to figure out what's the best way to do so, maybe make a little money. I have gotten some money from family and friends for graduating, so that's good. I was totally broke, and while Dad was giving me money every month, that's stopped now that I'm no longer in school, hehe. No more free money! Honestly, my parents are the reason I was even able to get through the last year--I did not get enough help from the school this time and even had more money put on me in the middle of things when they messed up my insurance. Mom had to devote an entire monthly check to the last payment, a whole $2100. I still feel bad about it and I probably always will, but she swears it was worth it. And I do have a degree to my name now.

Sophie's here with me until tomorrow. She's going on the China trip with some classmates, and seeing as she lives in Formby in England now, it made no sense for her to go home. We're taking her to Newark tomorrow to the hotel where she'll be meeting up with her class. She's currently trying to beat Wind Waker since this is the last time she'll have access to her file, at least for a long time. (She might end up coming here over the short breaks during the fall semester. We've told her she's always welcome here, which she is.)

It hasn't quite hit me yet. There were people who got really emotional at the ceremony, and people I asked how they were feeling said they weren't sure yet. I was too happy to feel that way. I think it'll really hit in August, when people on my Facebook feed are talking about going back to Juniata, and I'll be working.

I am not happy.

It could be because it's my last year, it could be because I've put so much on my plate, it could be taking leadership in a club I'm not super well-versed in when I hate the idea of taking a leadership role. It's probably some combination of those things. But I'm not happy. I'm sitting here kind of wishing Mom hadn't said she'd pay my tuition bill come hell or high water. That I'd have had to tell everyone, "Whoops, sorry, won't be there, can't afford it," and gone on my way., stayed in New York, with my family and my familiarity and my dog. I'm wondering why I'm here.

Today wasn't really a frustrating day, but it ended that way. We have to throw eight cylinders in Wheel Throwing and cut them in half so Bethany can see our technique. Six inches tall, like three inches wide, fairly thin walls. I am LUCKY if I can get three inches in height out of them. More than half of my attempts today ended in wobbly, ripply, torn failure. I'm wondering why I'm taking that class to begin with when I had so much anxiety over it and didn't even write it into my POE because I knew I probably wouldn't take it. But we have to do those eight cylinders by Tuesday, then another eight, then... what, eighteen by the 24th? With handles?

I'm probably withdrawing from that class. And that is IF Bethany lets me. Because really it's up to her, and she might decide it's too early for me to know if I should drop or not. Of course, I could always just say my hands are bothering me again. I mean, they are. 2400mg of Ibuprofen a day got stopped when I developed this cold I can't shake and had to start taking knockoff DayQuil and NyQuil and didn't want to have so much medication in me, and now the pain comes back sometimes. But she has mild arthritis in her thumbs, so I don't know how good of an excuse that would be. I'll also feel like a complete asshole because I know there were likely people on the waitlist for that class, and I'd feel like I just wasted a space.

I have to leave Wheel Throwing at 2:20 every class to make it to Writing for Video Production on time. It's annoying as fuck because I leave right when the class is picking up. The other day, Bethany started doing a demonstration on throwing a cylinder, and I had to get up and start cleaning up my station to go, and I was so busy with that I didn't get to really watch her work, and missed the part where she pulled the clay wall up, the VERY thing that continues to stump me. And then I had to walk ten minutes uphill to the far end of BAC, where WfVP is. I got there sweaty and disgusting.

The thing is, I know I could pass the writing class, easily. The assignments are a bit out of the box (like the one I have to do for Tuesday/Thursday that involves filming different things to form three video sentences), but if there's one thing I know I can do, it's write. I'm not always super confident, but this is my third writing class at this school, and in every class, someone says they like my writing, and Hannah agrees. Last semester I had to do a few projects where I either had to write up narration or put together a video narrative. The class was small, but they always complimented me on my writing. I feel much more confident with that than working with the wheel. I don't know if it's worth it. I already have too much stuff to do.

I'm doing a thesis. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this at some point. I mentally tried to chicken out, but when the time came to talk to Donna, my main adviser for the project, I didn't voice any of my concerns, so unless she actually reads my Facebook posts, she doesn't know that I'm freaking the hell out. 45-page paper (though a good chunk of it will be reflection and images) and public presentation next spring at the Liberal Arts Symposium. And then I have to defend my thesis in front of a panel of people, which I'm terrified of.

I'm running T* (just calling it that, because I realized that typing the whole name, if someone Googles it, might bring up my journal) this year. I am not as well-versed in trans* issues as Liz and I will be flying by the seat of my pants every week. I thankfully didn't get a million people signing up for the club--I'd rather keep it a small intimate affair rather than something huge like AWoL, because I don't do well talking to larger groups. There are like eighteen people that signed up, including a few I know personally and might not even come to the club meetings. Honestly, I'm feeling like if the club doesn't pan out, it doesn't pan out. Fuck it. I mean, I don't want it to die, because I want that outlet to exist on campus and there's no guarantee that after Brandon leaves the school or is no longer president of AWoL, whoever takes his place will be accepting and inclusive of the trans* community. (I am excited that a transman signed up, though. Can't remember his name. Quinn, I think. But he's been taking T and wears a binder, which, if he doesn't mind talking about it, would be interesting to bring to the Gender Panel.) The good thing is that everyone I mentioned the possible fashion show to perked up and thought it was an awesome idea, so I guess we'll be striving to do that in the spring. I figure since AWoL's last Drag Ball didn't have any turnout, a "dress as you feel" fashion show might be a good replacement. And people could get creative with it. They also seemed to like the idea of movie nights, so assuming I can find a good location (since it can't be in a classroom or we need to have a license), that'll take some pressure off of some weeks.

The other dilemma I'm having is that Donna said if we don't want to do the thesis, change our minds, then we don't have to do it. Problem is, I have room to withdraw from exactly one class without it possibly leading to a financial penalty. I'm taking 15 credits and if I drop two things I'll drop down to 9. So I'm almost feeling like I shouldn't try to drop WT yet, because what if I hit a point where I just don't want to do the thesis anymore? I mean, I probably won't. Dropping throwing is probably a good bet. My thesis might be one of the easiest, really. I have to contact a lot of people and figure out some design things pretty freaking quickly (having never done anything like this before), but there's not a HUGE research thing here. There is some, and I'll be writing things down and quoting sources in the report, but most of the paper is going to me talking about the decisions I've made.

I'm really thinking about meeting with Bethany on Wednesday and talking to her. I say Wednesday because first I want to go back to Health & Wellness about my hand (because it's mainly the left one right now, although I did have some pain in my right), and thanks to Labor Day they don't open until Tuesday, when I'm swamped with classes from morning to afternoon, from 9am-4pm.

Meh. This year needs to pick up and get better or I swear I'm ragequitting.

Leaving on Tuesday. Classes start on Thursday. I'm still slightly scared of this year, what with classes, running Trans* Parachute United, doing my thing with ODK, working on my honors thesis, and trying to do the clay thing while my hands are continuing to bother me. (Seriously, I keep them splinted most of the time, and whenever I remove the splints, the pain comes back like within 5-10 minutes.)

I'm going through this thing with my hair: I want to buzz it off. The only thing keeping me from doing it is fear that it'll look weird on me. My hair's grown since March, and it's gotten to this place where it's short, but it's too long for me, and I want it cut shorter. And I'm not happy with the sides of my head, either. I'm really close to just either trying to get one of the barbers around here to shave it off, or see if we have a set of clippers here and doing it myself. I haven't said this to Mom: I said I wanted to get it shaped up. Don't know if I'm going to go to Roger to do it (I have less than a week), but if I do, I'm going to ask him about it. I don't think I'll buzz it totally bald, just close to the scalp. I still want there to be a coating of hair on my head. XD; But I know short hair makes me feel more confident, possibly because it's more in line with my image of myself, more androgynous. I have no idea what my head looks like under all this hair though. ^^;

But you know, I see videos like this, and I'm so inspired.



ANYWAY. Going to enjoy the rest of this week while I can. Lola's not gonna be happy when I leave. Oh, also, she's two years old today. ^_^

Me: *says something to Heather*
Heather: We had this conversation.
Me: Yeah.
Heather: *then proceeds to stay something she literally told me last night*
Me: *thinking* "We had this conversation."

We'll be heading out to the airport to fly to Miami. Lola's already gone with Marcia to hang out there for the week. She needs to socialize, and being with her brothers is a good way to start. Plus she loves Marcia. XD

I'm not bringing my laptop with me, nor the iPad. The iPad is actually still at school. There's wifi on the ship, but it's expensive and it's slow, so I won't really be on it. I'll be checking e-mail and that's basically it. I get to forget about school for a week, except for reading a book on Alternate Reality Games, which won't be a chore.

Was supposed to have posted this, but then got caught up in sending a couple e-mails to professors. Off the laptop goes! Won't be any posts until I get back, but I'm hoping to have lots of pictures to share.

Heather: I don't have my watch, which is gonna be real weird.
Me: Do you want to borrow one of mine? I have five of them.
Heather: I think it's down in A's room. I think I left it there last night.

[Later]
Heather: *about to leave* It's gonna be real weird not having a watch and not knowing what time it is all day.
Me: ... *eye roll*

I swear, that girl does things solely so she'll have a reason to complain to people.

One thing I failed to notice about myself before starting to draw this thing: I draw slowly. If they're sketches for me, I'm a little faster, but if they're drawings that people are going to see, I crawl, because I'm a perfectionist who can't work fast. There is no way I'm going to draw these pictures, and besides that, motivation to do so is completely nonexistent. Like, I'm not drawing this stuff for me, I'm drawing it for a video project I couldn't give a crap about. SO, I have to once again figure out how to abstract this whole thing (since it's the memory of a 2nd-grade me and I don't have the luxury of doing things literally).

I'm tired and I don't care. I just want one day where I have nothing to do and nothing due. I'm drained.

Mom said she thinks I have a Type A personality and it's not in my nature, so it affects me far more than it should. She said I'm very intense. I'm not sure she really gets exactly how much I have to do and why I've been so intense lately. Like, every single day from now until next Thursday, I'm busy. And I'm not like everyone else here, I can't stay up all hours of the night working on stuff. People stay in the studio until three in the morning. I can't function if I do that.

I guess the one good thing is that I got the music for the small-group recording done, and now I've just got to get through mixing... but I don't know when I'll get to complete that. I mean, it has to be before I leave next Friday. I'm meeting with the group (probably minus Dimitri) on Monday, and if it doesn't get done then, it won't get done unless either Jeannine or Duncan finishes it up. But like, tomorrow I have to run tours and then I have a late firing shift (which hopefully they'll call or text and be like, "Hey, everything's fine here, you don't have to come!"). Sunday needs to be devoted to filming the video. Monday is devoted to DAP/editing the video. By Tuesday I need to have two rolls of film shot so I can process and print to give stuff to Monika Wednesday. All the while I have to be working on drawing myself for a self-portrait for ceramics, and making a frame that's supposed to incorporate patterns I'm supposed to make that represent my moods.

And my left hand hurts because I was making the last seven bowls, and the clay Kitty and I made is STUPIDLY stiff (at least for me), and the combination of pushing the clay around with my fingers, stretching my hand to do so, and the repetitive motions was not a good thing.

I honestly don't know what to do right now. I wish I could just drop one thing. And unfortunately I've mentioned the stress to two professors (Hannah and Bethany) and neither of them seem to really care, so there is no chance of me getting a pass on anything.

LESSON ONE: Don't talk shit about people, because you never know when one of the people you're around is roommates with the person you're talking shit about.

Basically, Caitlin (the girl I mentioned before, the immature brat?) said Hilary got yelled at for making soft clay because I complained about it. False. I complained to myself, basically, and everyone complained about it, because the GRAY clay that she'd made was stiff as hell. I personally couldn't wedge it without my wrists hurting and had to switch to white clay. Hilary recently made another batch of clay and I overheard her asking Matt if he thought it was good, because everyone was complaining about her previous batch. I didn't notice what type of clay that was.

It was white. White is already soft because it lacks the grog in gray clay. White does not need further softening. I think Hilary was so busy trying to please everyone, she didn't think about this. As a result, the current white clay is TOO soft to be easily workable. I did tell Caitlin this last night at the studio: I said the gray clay had been too stiff and she made the white clay too soft as a result, but she shouldn't have. Not blaming her for anything, just stating a fact. Caitlin sounded like she agreed with me.

Heather just came in a little while ago and told me that, while she was sitting in the same room as Caitlin, Caitlin said to one of her fellow swimmers that I was basically the cause of Hilary getting yelled at. When the swimmer asked "Who's CJ?", Caitlin responded, "Oh, some 30-year-old that lives on campus." And Heather said she nearly jumped across the table to bitchslap her.

If you have beef with me, SAY SO. Caitlin better not be in the studio tomorrow, because I'm confronting her. I'm not about to take shit from a kid. And apparently she has no room to be talking smack about people, because she keeps falling asleep in a history class she shares with Heather, and Heather thinks she'll probably end up failing. She's a swimmer and they have 5am sessions, and Heather thinks it's kicking her ass. Do I feel bad? Nope.

Anyway. Fuck her. I'm not in the mood. I'm already stressed over classes, I don't need high school drama.

Had one of those moments in the darkroom with Dominic today. I was the only one in the darkroom printing. He came in, made a beeline for the enlarger I was using (which he likes, but he wasn't there and I like it too, so), ignored the fact that all my stuff was over there and THE ENLARGER WAS ON, and said "Is anyone using this enlarger?". 

No, I was camping and I needed the light from the display for heat. Idiot.

I've had a weird day. It started off with STRESS. Lots of it. Went to lunch, got the Jake English shirt that Hailey's been meaning to give me for like two months, realized when I got to my room that I couldn't eat anything because my nerves wouldn't let me. It only got worse when I was sitting at my laptop before I left for ceramics and the computer flipped its shit. Windows maximizing/minimizing, programs opening. Only the stuff on my taskbar, but still. I ran a really quick virus scan with Malwarebytes before class. It didn't find anything. I took Java BACK off (I had to put it on to use Kronos, the time management system the school's employees use) because I know it has security issues and the first thing I thought was I'd been hacked. I shut the computer off without shutting it down, and when I got out of class, did a full scan without internet. Nothing found. The only thing I can think of is that my comp is acting up from Fall 2011 when I accidentally broke the headphone jack. It's connected to the motherboard, right? That's my only idea. But anyway, that just SHREDDED what was left of my nerves. Thankfully ceramics made things better. Bethany likes the sketch that I like for the dinnerware thing (because yes, we have to do it in addition to the bowls--I didn't ask, but it was obvious). She also said she doesn't mind me missing the second half of Wheel Throwing to go to Video Production Writing, and also doesn't mind moving the capstone to her office hours so I (and Kitty, who also has a conflict) can take the two classes we want that conflict with the capstone and still meet with her for the capstone. Have I mentioned that I love her?

Anyway, stuff is basically done. Jeannine and I are recording Sophie tomorrow for DAP. There's a "break" coming up, so I expect campus will be relatively quiet and I'll be able to get other things done. ("Break" because it's really a three-day weekend. People call it a break because since so many of them are from Pennsylvania, they go home.)

I'm exhausted. I need to study for the quiz in DAP tomorrow and then shower and collapse for the night. I think I just emotionally and mentally drained myself today.

First thing: NCECA was awesome. There was SO much to do, and I ended up not doing some of the things I intended just because I was exhausted. You wouldn't think sitting and listening to half hour to hour-long lectures would tire you out, but whoa. Still, I saw some cool stuff, got some good advice, now really feel a need to travel, and am thinking about either applying for residencies or taking part in some workshops. There's also a pottery place in Greenwich Village that offers classes, a residency, AND an internship, so next time I'm home, I'm gonna check it out. I mean, the internship app will have to be in before then, but even if I don't get it, I might take a wheel throwing class. It'll keep me in clay over the summer and give me something to do for about... a month or so. Got a few books and brochures for grad schools. Not sure I'm doing that, but SMFA in Boston really interested me. Totally interdisciplinary--no walls between media--and only about 700 students TOTAL between undergrad and grad? Yes. Although this means getting in would be ridiculously hard, but anyway. ^^; I'm not looking at MFA programs right now, because I'm not sure that I have the self-driven focus that you need for an MFA. I'm looking at post-baccalaureates now. They're only a year long and will help me kind of figure things out before I go the whole way. And I'd get a certificate for my troubles. Nothing wrong with that. Anyway, Houston's weather. Oh god. Pennsylvania needs to freaking get with spring already, I want my 60-70-degree temps. It was so sad when we got back to Pittsburgh and the temperature was like 30-something.

I spent WAY too much money there, but whatever, yo. I got stuff I'm gonna use in class. One of those things was a throwing book, which will definitely come in handy considering what I have to do before April 12th. As payback for going to NCECA, instead of writing a paper, we each have to schedule an interview with one of the editors at the Juniatian (school newspaper), write a blurb on the ceramics studio FB page giving one of our highlights of the conference (pertaining to ceramics, of course--I already did that), and make 30 bowls to be donated to the Empty Bowls event coming up. I'm not exactly happy about the 30 bowls, although I would much rather make 30 bowls (or even more, for that matter) than do that stupid dinnerware project we were given. I'm so tempted to ask Bethany if that's an option. Honestly. I come out looking like a coward (or just extremely unsure of myself, which, hey, guess what?), but meh. Meh, damnit. And on top of everything else I have to do? MEH. The stress started creeping back as soon as I got here, and it was not helped by the fact that I processed two of the three rolls of film I've taken, one of which consisted solely of Houston shots, and half of each of which (is that even proper English?) did NOT come out. The film was developed, but apparently there were several frames that weren't exposed. I know at least once in Houston I accidentally took a picture of the inside of the case when pulling the camera out, so it would've gotten blackness... but I have no idea. I wasn't the only one with this problem. I'm not happy about it. A bunch of the Houston shots eitiher look like shit or didn't come out at all, and my slow-shutter speed attempts at home were also crap. Most didn't come out. The ones of my fan came out well, but the panning experiment with Craig failed miserably and other shots show signs of camera shake, even one I had on the tripod. (I was waving a flashlight around in the mirror while holding the Bulb button, though, so I guess that's my fault.) I'm probably going to bomb this photography assignment because of all this. I got a C or so on the last one because I didn't venture out of the greenhouse to take my photos, and I haven't gotten a chance to reprint any of those shots... and I'm running low on paper anyway, just ordered some more.

The only good thing right now is that I finished the video for WAM 2, and the only thing I should have to do this week is a blog post.

A has been staying up here in my room with Heather since I was gone, and she's still up here now, apparently asleep... I haven't looked over there. I hope this doesn't end up with her up here all the time again, I can't take that. This semester's been fairly all right on the roommate front aside from the whining.