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It feels great to be back here. I have work to do for classes, but none of it is taxing. I am not thinking about DAP for the entire break. I explained the situation to both parents and they just said not to worry about it for now and try to get things done later, because I can't do anything now. For other classes, though, I have to shoot a roll of film for photography (slow shutter speed! Should be fun), make a video for WAM2, and draw up some sketches for our next ceramics project, which is a place setting within a sculpture. There weren't many examples Bethany could show us, so it's basically up to us what we do.

I am going to NCECA. Bethany said she doesn't think I should miss it because of "others' inadequacies". She suggested that I talk to Loren about everything, because she knows I'm a serious student and that I'm not just screwing around/waiting until the last minute to get things done. So anyway, five of us leave for NCECA on Wednesday the 20th and come back on Saturday the 23rd, which is actually freeing up two days that I thought we'd be traveling. I think if we'd been in the first group, we'd be leaving on Tuesday, but there was an issue with money being allocated for the trip by whoever's in charge of all that, and I think in the time between Bethany's first reservations and the second reservations, the flights sold out on the original flight. (The price of tickets also skyrocketed and we all had to put out $110 to cover it.) We have layovers both times, but whatever. I get to go to Houston! Hoping to get my hands on some good barbeque. :D One thing that's kind of annoying me though, I told Mom about it and she's now saying she's going to get me in touch with a relative that I've probably met in the past but don't remember. She does this. When I went to England all those years ago, she started saying she'd look up relatives there for me to stay with, and I wasn't enthused. I'm kinda hoping she doesn't follow up with it. Seriously, we're gonna be there for three-ish days and our days are gonna be filled with conference activities.

I didn't bring my binder home and I'm regretting it. I need to get a second one, too, while I have money. I'm just wearing my huge zip-up hoodie, which tends to hide my chest pretty well if I fluff it a bit. I haven't brought anything up about identity and all that. Dad's here for a few days (we drove straight to Brooklyn instead of going to the house), and I dare not mention it. I am amused at one thing, though. Last night I was playing the original Legend of Zelda on the Wii when Mom and Dad came back from Home Depot. I told Dad the game had been busting my balls. He was like, "You have BALLS?!" and then he told Mom "I told everyone she was my first son!". Oh, Dad, if you really understood... XD;;

Also, I got to play Runner2. Bought it and the soundtrack (since I was guaranteed to enjoy it) on Steam. My laptop is not the way to play this game. I need an Xbox controller to plug into it. I have a generic controller and tried a couple of emulators to get it to work like a 360 controller, but it's not working, at least not in Runner2. The game and the emulator could just not be compatible. I told Craig I'm gonna buy it on the 360 (or actually, PS3 would be better since Craig tends to use the 360 the most) so I can play it the way it's intended, with a controller. He brought up playing with keyboard, but RUNNER (the original) was hell on the keyboard, and this is just as bad. You really need a D-pad and ABXY setup for this. I was good with jumping and sliding, and the mashing of Space to perform loops, but once I had to hold W to hit springs, I started losing it. ^^; I am adamant about skipping the checkpoints they put in. People kept complaining that the game was so hard and I swear Gaijin caved, because I really don't think they would've put in checkpoints. I don't need 'em (of course, I'm still in the first world). And you get like a 50,000 point bonus for skipping them. I would imagine purists are going to be like me and hop over them.

I really love the game so far, though. And Gaijin got Charles Martinet to narrate! Not in his Mario voice, of course, but how cool is that?

Current Mood: bouncy

Did I mention our latest ceramics project? We have to take the jar we made that we think was the most successful of the twelve and make it eight more times, each time changing it somehow. I planned to make two jars each day of the weekend, putting me at six. I only made one on Friday because my neck was bothering me. I made two yesterday and two today. But I forgot that I'd made one the day we got the assignment, so I'm still at six. I only have to make two more by Thursday, which is AWESOME. There will be NO stress this week. None whatsoever. This pleases me greatly. As for the jars themselves, I think I've had varying degrees of success with them, but I'm experimenting with them. I'm not just taking what I originally made and altering it slightly. One of them is kind of a smaller version of the first, but even it has changes. I'll probably take pictures of them once they're all done. I have a few, and I'm gonna post them to the blog I'm keeping for class. I'll link to it.

I didn't get everything done this weekend that I wanted to, but the last thing will hopefully be done later this week. Jeannine and I were supposed to record our small-group (2-3 people) recording for DAP. Sophie agreed to sing for us, and she said Alex would play guitar with her, but it turns out he can no longer do it, so we postponed it. Jeannine's daughter sings (sang?) in high school, so we're hoping the two of them can do a duet. Prof. Rhodes is just happy that someone's recording before break, so I think even with the minor setback, Jeannine and I are getting points for that. XD Our other two group members need to be slapped upside the head, though. Well, okay, one of them, D, might have an excuse. He's on the college basketball team and had an away game for some of the time, and then Duncan (the other guy) said D's father was in the hospital and he wouldn't be in class. D came to class anyway, but there's no telling if anything will change that makes him lose class time. Duncan is just a flake. He's really intelligent, but doesn't seem to believe in communication. We were all supposed to meet one night last week to go over things, and Duncan said he could come for a few minutes before going to meet another group for a class they needed to write a 25-page (!) paper in. He never showed up, leaving Jeannine and I to talk badly about him, because we totally did. He finally sent a message two and half hours after the meeting time to say he took a nap and when his alarm went off, his roommate shut it off without waking him up. (Kind of douchey if true.) There was another e-mail he sent that Jeannine basically had to badger him into. I can get behind the thing with missing our meeting and going to the other one. That's fine. If you're near a computer, get your ass on it and pop off an e-mail. COMMUNICATE. Because otherwise we form very low opinions of you.

Anyway, I'm recording the small-group thing with Jeannine this week if all goes well, we've decided (and by that I basically mean me and Jeannine) to record the large ensemble as a group, and we're leaving the mid-size (4+ people) recording to Duncan and D, because we were the ones to develop the project plan, we were the ones to secure the small-group recording, and we're the ones asking professors if we can record their rehearsals. We've been doing ALL the work and it's only fair. We have yet to hear from them on this. I will not have them fucking up my grade in this class, dude. I will crack the whip if I have to.

And that concludes the negativity in this post. Next topic!

I'm not wearing the binder today, giving my boobs a break, and it's annoying to look at myself. XD;; Can I just have surgery, please? But anyway, I'm keeping it. It feels pretty good on me: The only time it gets bad is when the compression part rolls up on itself, which doesn't happen too often. It seems like it makes the compression worse and I need to adjust it, to roll it back down. Also, I'd be having a much better time with it if my boobs would stop moving. The problem is it's made for cisgendered men, not for female breasts, so... yeah. ^^; I might possibly invest in one from one of the other companies, but I need to measure myself and make sure I'll be able to even fit them. The problems of being an American (where people tend to be kinda large) looking to buy something from a company in Taiwan (where people tend to be kinda small).

I got a JOB, yo. On campus, with the help desk. Two openings, and I got one! I don't know when I start. I'd imagine it would make sense to start after break and after I get back from NCECA, but we'll see. It'll be good to be earning some money, though, even if it's not much. A job is a job. And I'm sure I can use it to find leads to other jobs later on. I swear, I'm bitching quite a bit about this year, but so far it's been pretty damn good, school-wise. Good grades the first semester, I am enjoying my classes this semester even though I'm complaining about them, I get to go to a ceramics conference in Houston, I've got a job, and I was accepted into an honor society. OH, and I found out what my number for Room Draw is. They do it by class and by GPA, so as a graduate of 2014, I already get a pretty high number, and I'm on the low end of the first GPA tier. I expected a good number. I got 3. THREE. You know what that means? That means that when Sophie shows up to pick a room for us (since I'll be in Houston), we can pretty much have any room we damn well please. Also, have I mentioned how excited I am to be rooming with Sophie again next year? Because I am. One-sided crush notwithstanding. XD;

I still have to finish writing something for WAM, and then I am drawing for the rest of the night.

Also, I STILL want a mohawk. XD;;

Current Mood: happy

Apparently I had some flashers! Or something. I'm Googling, hehe. But I was in the shower and I looked over my shoulder for a few seconds, and then when I turned back around, there were all these little glowing spots. They literally looked like fireflies flying around, and only ever in one direction. I mean, the spots themselves were all over the place, but each spot went in one direction and then disappeared. It was actually pretty, but really disconcerting. ^^; Allie says it could be a migraine and Kathleen says I should tell the eye doctor about it next time I go (whenever that is). I'll just keep it in the back of my mind.

Now, sleeeeeeeep. Muscle relaxant again. Took it about an hour ago and need to crash. XD

Current Mood: content

Heidi really did regress to four years old. She came by my room earlier to get her flats from Heather, and at one point she was like, "I feel like a little kid. I've felt like a little kid since like Monday."

I can't believe I actually called that. I was snarking! XD;

Current Mood: amused

Holy CRAP, does Underworks ship fast. I used regular ground shipping, it shipped Monday and was here this morning. Tried it on as soon as I got back from DAP (which sucked, by the way--I got a 68 on today's quiz, which means that's now my new lowest grade and the 75 stands in the average. And if I somehow manage to do worse, the 68 will count, because I'm allowed to drop two quizzes and Quiz 9 will get dropped by default since that's the week of the family cruise. And let's talk about how much of the material on that quiz was stuff we really haven't talked about! Apparently the theme of this particular quiz was "memorize the book"). Immediately realized what Liz was talking about when they mentioned rubbing. My armpits, yo. Ow. I also put it on the first time over my head, which was difficult, to say the least. I got caught in it and had to go through a process of switching back and forth from right side to left and pulling the fabric out from under itself. XD; So I took it off and put on a thin Under Armour exercise shirt first, THEN the binder (by stepping in/pulling it on this time), and it's much better. I'm still a little worried about the fit, though. I ordered a small because I figured that once I break it in and it stretches a little bit, a medium would be too big. (Small is 32-35, Medium is 36-39, and my measurement was 35.5. If this one stretches from use, I figure the small would be the best fit...) I'm not having trouble breathing or anything, it's just a little tight. But it IS a new binder and I'm not exactly used to compression garments because everything I wear is loose. Right now I'm just sitting in my room, so I don't think I'm getting an accurate feel for it yet. I need to walk around in it. I'm gonna give it a few days and see how I feel about it. I have 15 days from Monday to return it to them for an exchange.

Also, very happy I went with the 988 instead of the 997, because I think if this thing were compressing my stomach as well as my chest, I'd be DYING right now. This one is completely relaxed over the stomach, which is good, because I have a stomach. XD;

But dude, it's flattened my chest pretty damn well. I'm happy with that. I look at myself in the mirror and it's just right.

Think I'm gonna go to photography early. I do still want to print at least one photo. I'm hoping there aren't a million people in there like last night! Maybe they'll all be at lunch.

Current Mood: content

Today was a better day than yesterday. I'm tired after taking a full Flexeril pill last night and have been kind of sluggish on and off today, but I've more or less been all right. I dropped my membership fee for ODK off to Jim's office, so I am officially a member now. I got (most of) my photography printing done. Most because it started off with just three of us in there, and then all of a sudden there were eight or nine. 1) The darkroom isn't huge. 2) Dominic was one of the people that came in, and he irritates my nerves because of his awkwardness. That sounds rude, I know, but he makes me feel unsettled. (It's not just me. I happened to mention him one day, and apparently he lives across the hall from Sophie and Sarah, and he displays strangeness regularly.) Anyway, I absolutely hate being in the darkroom with 80 other people (too much activity, ALSO makes me feel unsettled), so I got most of my reprints done as quickly as I could and bounced. I'll probably cut my two-hour break between classes short tomorrow and go back over to do a couple or so quick prints before our critique. There was one photo I wanted to print that doesn't fit the requirements of the assignment, but just looks like it'll be cool, and we were told we could print things like that and show them.

Speaking of critiques, we had our first one in Intermediate Ceramics today. I absolutely hated most of my pieces, but I think Bethany cut me some slack. She can tell I'm not there yet, and she even said figuring out the details, like making flanges and lids that have a good fit, is hard when you're just learning to throw. She also told me "Girl, you better take my Wheel Throwing class." XD; I'm taking it next year, so, yeah. I've been up in the air about it for a long time, but now that I know I have a decent amount of control when using white clay, I'm much more open to the idea: It'll help me gain some real control and actually be able to throw something tall for a change. I throw thick walls and it's hard for me to really feel HOW thick until the piece dries. But anyway, the class will help me with that. The next thing I have to do doesn't involve throwing. We've been tasked with picking the jar that we feel is the most successful and rebuilding it eight times, each time changing something, like the proportions or angles or whatever else. The one I'm picking is handbuilt and would likely be easiest for me to do just by handbuiling again.

I swear there were other things I wanted to say. This entry's been sitting here for at least an hour. I'm really tired. ^^; I might just take a shower and chill until I go to sleep. Anime club's tonight, but I think I'm skipping it. I don't feel like going back out. I'm going to try to find some videos for WAM2 so I can do the little bit of writing that's due by Thursday, and maybe write the rationale for the audio essay now and get it out of the way. (The February 26 entry here is what we have to do. The archives we have to search through for things... holy crap, that site needs an archivist or something. The problem is like the problem with GoodReads: Everyone can insert their own tags, so you get tags for video games, and they're listed like... "video games" "Video games" "Video Games". Three different subjects, but the same subject. There's a LOT of that. The other problem is that we started off with a couple of videos and the one radio entry about things people believe in, and then we were told that our video has to deal with literacy. So I have to do something on literacy, which ties me down just a bit.) Tomorrow I'm hanging out at the studio for a bit and attempting to make a successful copy of the Gatorade bottle I made a plaster mold of. Was supposed to do it on Friday and never made it over there. Tomorrow should be an easy day, at least, except for the stuff I have to do for Thursday (which is really just for one class, so even that's not bad).

Did I mention I joined a message board for trans* people? Well, I did, and it turns out it's probably not the best board for me. I got a message from a user who pointed out (and I'd noticed it, but ignored it) that the vast majority of the users there are trans women, NOT trans men, and even if I don't identify as a trans man, it's not exactly what I'd be looking for in terms of support. He gave me the name of a channel on IRC (which also has an LJ community). Installed a chat client to be able to talk in the channel, but I'll save it for when I feel like really talking. ^^;

Heidi: Is Heather here? I need crayons.
Me: Nope, think she's downstairs.
Heidi: I want her crayons!

Basically, Heather's twin has regressed to age four. I'm not answering her, I'm turning off my phone. I've taken a Flexeril and showered, and I'm exhausted and achy, and I'm going to sleep. I'm done. I'm already feeling apathetic and unsettled and in need of someone here to talk to because my emotions are wonky and ready to be HOME already. I don't need what reads in text as a temper tantrum from a 20-year-old (or whatever).

Good night.

You know what the best part of my dysphoria's been? Read on.

I'm on my way out to Photography. I'm going down the stairs to leave, and two guys are coming up. I'm trying to decide whether or not I heard them call me queer. I'm presenting male again, btw, like I have been pretty much every day for the past two weeks.

I'm not sure if I heard it or not because I had my headphones/music on, and I only half pay attention to things when I've got tunes in my ears. Plus I was in travel mode and I tend not to pay attention to people I pass in the stairwells. But I heard one guy say something that sounded like queer and the other repeat it--you know, like a bully and the "me too" guy.

It's not that they (may have) called me queer that irritates me. I am queer. It's not the word choice, it's the fact that they felt the need to say anything in the first place. You don't know me, I don't know you, the fuck is your problem?

I didn't even look at them because, as I said, travel mode.

Meh.

Guess who just ordered their first binder?

This is definitely a trial and error thing. I got the 988 model from Underworks. I went back and forth on Underworks vs. Love Boat (pullover/step-in vs. velcro) for forever, but I decided to go with the cheaper, local one for my first binder. I was recommended the 997, but I hated the idea of it rolling up and the idea of compressing EVERYTHING, stomach included. Not that I'm all loving my stomach flab and everything, and I'm pretty sure the 997 would compress my hips too, but I didn't think it'd be comfortable to have it all pressed in, so I went for the relaxed midsection binder. If I don't like it or it's too small (another thing that's trial and error was the sizing--I measured myself the way they instructed, and of course I was between a small and medium), I should be able to exchange it without much hassle. People have said Underworks is great for exchanging. Also got a few dollars off thanks to Liz telling me to Google for a coupon. :3 I'm excited, though. I hope it fits!

I've been completely lazy today. I've decided I'm not going to take another muscle relaxant tonight. I feel more or less okay and I don't think it's necessary, so I'll keep the pills I have until I need them again, which hopefully will be never. XD; I've finally gotten rid of the drowsiness, though. (Mostly. It's after 10pm and it's creeping back just because of the time.) Took the whole day. That stuff is wicked. I really did enjoy the first night, though, where either I had no nightmares or they were no match for the meds! I slept all the way through the night, except the like minute it took to go pee real quick, and I went right back to sleep. And I slept until my alarm went off, and I would have gone back to sleep AGAIN had I not had stuff to do.

I want so many different kinds of food right now. Seriously, Chinese, steak, spaghetti and Italian sausage... all things I can't have here. XD; Two weeks until I'm home, yo. I can do that. For now, I think I'll heat up my last frozen pizza. I didn't really eat dinner--they were heavy-handed with the pepper flakes in the General Tso's Chicken. I know that stuff's supposed to be spicy, but damn. It's not good when I can't eat it because the corners of my mouth are burning. I find I can only eat the stuff when Linda and Patty are working at Jump Asian; anyone else working there and they put way too much spice in. It's so funny, I started to get a stir fry and figured I'd save the money.

... and I was supposed to post this like an hour ago. XD; *posts*

Current Mood: content

First of all: I got my stuff done for ceramics and WAM2. The ceramics stuff looks kind of crap compared to other students' stuff, but by the end of the whole process I really didn't care. My headaches had moved to my shoulders and neck by that point and I just could not be bothered anymore. So, I'm not expecting a great grade, although maybe I'll get some good-for-you points for getting on the wheel for, like, more than half the pieces. The audio essay, on the other hand, went well. I was still editing the morning it was due--there were things I wanted to add and couldn't because Heather was asleep, so I had to wait until the next morning to record those parts and add them in. I got good feedback: Everyone liked the essay, and the only negative comments I got were that one song I put in went on a little too long (apparently I picked up the pace during my narration at that point and the music no longer matched my pace) and I forgot to say who an "expert" whose audio I included was. They liked my writing, something that I was worried about: I thought what I wrote sounded stupid, but I guess that was me being self-critical. So that's done: All I have to do related to that is the reflection, 600 words due next Thursday, and that'll be easy.

The neck and shoulders thing... I got to get a massage at Health & Wellness thanks to some clinic they have there every so often. They cracked my neck in a couple places. Holy crap, is that a weird thing to go through. ^^; The doctor gave me muscle relaxants (Flexeril) and more Excedrin Migraine Wednesday when I saw her. I didn't take the relaxant on Wednesday night because I didn't go to bed until two and still had editing to do. I took it Thursday night. I was dead all day Friday. XD; Seriously, I missed Career Day (which I was up in the air about going to anyway, and from what I heard afterwards, there were a LOT of science people and not a lot for the more humanities-related majors) and an extra-credit opportunity for WAM2. I slept through both of them. I was also supposed to do laundry. Nope. Basically, my day was this: Get up, go to DAP, run to Health & Wellness, get massage and get neck cracked, go to Muddy for lunch, spend the rest of the afternoon in bed. I got up ONLY to get food last night (also from Muddy, no strength to go anywhere else). I took half a pill last night and I still feel pretty dead. I think that stuff is just too strong for me or something. Or maybe I'm not getting adequate amounts of sleep (nightmare woke me up earlier than I'd have liked this morning) and it's therefore kicking my ass the next day, I dunno. I still have some pain (left side of the neck between there and shoulder), but it's not too bad.

I'm basically free this weekend. I mean, I do have some things to do: I'm going to go to the darkroom at some point to print a contact sheet for my second roll of film and maybe get some prints out of it. Right now I only have one print and I need like five or six. I also have to go to the studio to work on making bottles, and I should try to pour another slip-cast mold since the first attempt went awry. But neither the ceramics nor the photography stuff are like MUST GET DONE NOW like the stuff was this past week, so I'm feeling fairly relaxed.

Think I might go on a Sheetz run. I got breakfast bagels when I went to work at the studio last Sunday, and I forgot how much I absolutely LOVE their breakfast bagels. I'm actually not in the mood to go sit in Baker right now and wait for an omelet. The walk might wake me up a bit. Maybe today will be Laundry and Rest Off the Flexeril Day and tomorrow I'll get to work.

Current Mood: calm

Liz and Joyce were asking about people taking over Otaku Culture Club next year since they're graduating, and Laura volunteered if no one steps up. Liz said as long as Laura agrees to be Trans* Parachute United's treasurer. Laura then asked about me, and Liz said they'd like me to be PRESIDENT of T*PU.

So, uh, looks like I get to run a club next year, guys.

Well, this'll be good for me. Leadership's never been something I've really gone after, so maybe taking the lead on something important to me will do me some good. Liz promised they'd help me out and that I could Skype with them if I need advice. I'm really more worried that we won't have a lot of people showing up for meetings. AWoL gets lots of people showing up (although less this semester, it seems--we had to move the meeting time back two hours because one of the officers has a class and couldn't make 7pm anymore), but T*PU has always been kind of tiny, at least since I've been at Juniata. And with most (all?) of the trans people I know leaving... haha, next Lobsterfest should be fun, sitting at the table and trying to get new members! We'll see what happens. I'm ready for the challenge.

Also, completely unrelated, we just watched the craziest frickin' anime in OCC. Like, it starts off looking kind of normal, with a couple weird things, and then all of a sudden all you can in response to what's happening is "WHAT?" SO much laughter. We were all dying. It's called Jinrui wa Suitaishimashita (Humanity has Declined). It's on Crunchyroll.

Migraine's definitely back! I had one yesterday and took the second dose of Excedrin Migraine that Health & Wellness gave me the first week of classes, and now that it's like two hours past the time I took it yesterday, I'm feeling achy again. You know how some people have auras before their migraine hits? I think neck pain is my "aura". I always get pain in my neck or shoulders and then the headache. And I know it's not the way I'm sleeping.

I worked on editing my audio essay today. Still need the interview from Liz about dysphoria, and I'll probably ask people what their definition of gender is, just to have some other voices other than mine in the stupid thing. I hate my voice with a fiery passion. I wish I could get someone else to narrate. I don't even want to go to class on Thursday, I don't want to see everyone's reactions listening to it! I gave them a vague idea of what it's about and I don't think they were sure what to think of it, but I really didn't explain much: I didn't sleep well last night at all (yay, nightmares) and my words weren't working today. Hoping it goes well on Thursday and I get some positive feedback and maybe even some "hey, I never heard of that before, it was interesting". I'm probably gonna need to rerecord some stuff I said, and I might cut some stuff out. I dunno. I mainly just spent time cutting up my narration and adding music. We're using GarageBand on our iPads to record and edit, but I didn't want to be tied down to the iPad (or even a Mac system). You can't export the project file and keep the individual tracks separate, so I got around it by saving each track as its own file and then opening them all in Audacity. It was either that, or have to go to the computer lab all the way across campus to work on it, and with having to still go to the studio to finish up there, ain't nobody got time for that.

Speaking of the studio, Bethany dropped the number of vessels by three. We now have to complete twelve. It's not MUCH of a drop (I was really hoping for ten), but it'll definitely help. Right now I have five or six vessels that are definitely lidded, two that I can hand-build lids for, and then I can try to throw a few quick things and dry them immediately so I can trim the rough edges off. They have to be DONE by Thursday, including refinements, so tomorrow's my last opportunity. I might end up having to stay late, going to AWoL and then going BACK to the studio... and then I'll probably still have to edit the audio essay. It'll be a long day and night.

Turning this thing off now. I hurt. :\ Might go back to Health & Wellness on Thursday if this keeps up.

Current Mood: content

Obsession: Still Homestuck.

Newest guilty pleasure: FTM!Dave fics. (And FTM!John if I find them.) Oh, Archive of Our Own, you have something for everyone, don't you?

Okay, I'm gonna stop typing now. No finger usage for at least the next couple hours. I think I overworked my hands today (same as last time--four hours is too much I think), and I'm resting them on Mom's suggestion. And actually, the fingers on my left hand are starting to hurt a little. o_o Oh well. Fics and TV for me tonight.

Current Mood: blah

So I'm at the studio, and I decide to get on the wheel for a while because I need to practice, my hand-built things aren't great, and maybe, just maybe I'll make something fairly good.

First attempt turns out to be a fairly good bowl shape. I try throwing a lid for it, since you don't want to really wait, you want to throw both pot and lid at the same time since they're both wet and shrinking has occurred yet. First attempt at a lid fails. Second attempt actually works. It's an overhang lid. It's actually the one I was most worried about because I had to basically separate the clay so there was a flange, something that in hindsight isn't extremely difficult, but I did almost mess up by being a little overzealous with the wooden rib. But whatever, cool.

I'm getting hungry, and it's nearly 5pm, so I start cleaning up. I move the board that has my thrown pieces on it (the bowl, the lid, the first lid attempt and one last bowl attempt, both of which didn't turn out right, but I figure maybe I can try to save through trimming once they've firmed up) to the table near my shelves. Once I'm done cleaning everything, I get some plastic from the bin to cover my pieces.

While I'm wrapping everything, I drop the damn board. ALL the pieces hit the floor.

This is not the first time this has happened. It happened last semester, and I'd been... I don't know if I'd been trying to throw or if I'd been hand-building, but whatever, when I was about to leave, I dropped an in-progress vessel. I swear it's something with my hands getting tired after hours of work and not being able to keep a good grip on stuff.

ARGH goddamnit. I hate it when I go through all that work just to fuck it up. Seriously life, I don't have time for this, I have too much to do this week.

I might go back to the studio later, but it ain't gonna be for a few hours. I need food and I need to chill.

Current Mood: gloomy

*head meets wall*

Current Mood: annoyed

We have to do an audio essay for WAM, and the prof said it could be creative nonfiction. Since my dysphoria feels aren't going anywhere, I'm going to do something on them, probably in the format of a story about someone else. (Although my class is small enough that if I did want to do it in first person, I don't think it would matter much. And Becca is one of my classmates, and I've already told her I've been having gender issues, so there's one person that wouldn't judge me. And she's from Portland. They're like the most liberal people ever. XD;) I had been thinking of how to incoporate the element of silence into my project. We each listened to an episode of This American Life that we picked on our own, then listened to TAL: #1 Party School in class, and neither of the ones I heard used silence. Like, the narrator might have stopped talking, but there was still music behind them, and I don't want to do something like that: I want silence. And I thought about having a bunch of voices start up from a soft whisper and just get louder and louder and then just get cut off. And the gender thing just made sense. I just know I don't want it to be boring. I want listeners to be engaged.

I'm also going to get my friend Liz, one of the co-presidents of Trans* Parachute United (which I'll likely co-run next year with Laura because EVERYONE'S LEAVING D:), to say some things about dysphoria for me to include in the essay. They (I'm using singular they here--I still can't help thinking of them as female just because that's how I knew them when we met, when I came to visit the school and we had lunch together, but I'm being more aware of their preferred pronouns) are asexual, agender, aromantic, and neutois. They know all about dysphoria. ^^; But it's good to have some kind of outside source for these essays, evidence, so that'll work. I might read something from a website, too, or find a video on the web about it from some kind of professional source.

So yeah, that's due in six days. A script is due on Tuesday morning. I'm more worried about the ceramics. You know Bethany's bribing us to get everything in class done on time by offering to cook us steak?! XD; I'm not even joking. She calls it High Steaks (and Chicken, because two girls aren't steak fans). We have to get everything done on time, all of us, and the pieces can't be crap. They have to be good pieces. Basically, she's not the bad guy anymore, we're all bad guys to each other. I was so amused when I walked in and they were talking about steak. I hope I can hold up my end of things. I didn't go to the studio at all today--I made contact prints (that didn't come out as black as I'd have liked) and one print (that's more sepia-toned instead of black and white, but I liked it. It was the only shot out of the first roll that I wanted to print)--but I'll be there all day tomorrow. I'm taking one for the team and wearing my more fitted gray jeans because they already have clay stains on them. ^^; I'm going to hand-built a few things, then make some attempts at the wheel (worried about making lids on the wheel, not sure I'll remember how to do everything!).

I want to draw tonight like whoa. I still have Jake to finish coloring, and a pic of Reilly and Ash that I abandoned to finish, but I want new stuff.

OH, and also, I've been accepted into the Juniata College circle of Omicron Delta Kappa, the national leadership honor society. There's gonna be an initiation ceremony on April 7th. :D I'm so proud of myself, yo. It's like, validation. This is how I wish my first go at college had been, but that's okay. I'm doing it now. I can put this on my resume. That's two honor societies. And I'll be running one or two clubs for at least two semesters next year (possibly helping run AWoL for the fall since the two officers that aren't graduating will be abroad in France and Ireland). But anyway, yeah, happy CJ, despite all the work I have to do! I'm going to put photography on hold for the next week--the assignment isn't due until the 27th, so I have time for that.

(And holy shit, after the 27th, I'll have ONE MORE WEEK of classes before break!)

Current Mood: cheerful

And now I get to hear about "the rose thing" and how the girl across the hall has three of them and how Heather tripped over A's and oh my god, can tomorrow be over already so people can stop talking about it? Singles Awareness Day, yo. Gimme chocolate and go away. As much as I'd love to get close to someone, I've been hearing nothing but drama from Heather about various people she knows, and one girl who's in AWoL has come up here twice this week to complain about her girlfriend (although the complaints sound completely warranted--girl got a dog knowing Cheyenne hates dogs! And they LIVE together. Nope) and how much they've been fighting and the girl's been smothering her, and Heather kept going "Yep, that's exactly what happened with me and my ex." I just turned the volume up on my headphones so I could try to ignore it. Relationships good. Drama baaaaaad.

I know, with all relationships there is some drama. I'm not looking for perfection, as much of an idealist as I am.

Also: Did a Google Image search for chest binders. (When I get my refund...) Found a pic of a Dave cosplay. Homestuck, you are everywhere. Speaking of which, I need icons. And MasterYorgi/Octopimp put up the funniest video involving Jake's Page panties. XD;

The dysphoria (screw filters, don't care who reads this) hasn't gone anywhere yet. I've been hiding my hair under beanie and slouchy hats (which I need more of) and attempting to look flat-chested. I've decided to embrace it. The longer it goes on, the more I just shrug it off and say "Fuck it." I know how I feel comfortable and I know how I feel inside. I'm happy wearing looser clothing and having my hair pinned down/barely visible. I actually took my hat off at one point in my room because it was hot, and I ended up putting it back on because I kept having to rake my dreads back. It was just like, "nope, back into the cave with you."

You know what I have to do over the next week? Write a script for an audio essay and record it, make 15 good vessels with lids, process my second roll of film, make a contact sheet for my first roll, and see if I can make some decent prints out of those negatives. (That was the experimental roll, so there may not be great pictures on it.) Holy SHIT am I going to be busy. I have all day Friday to spend in the studio and likely will. I did find an artist who doesn't throw her pieces on the wheel, which is awesome for me to see. Like, everyone throws, and it's aggravating when you don't have the skill yet. Yet. Anyway, she mainly makes pinch pots/plates/whatever, and I really like her stuff. It's shown me that pieces can have "imperfections" and still look good. Because they're pinched with her fingers and not thrown on the wheel, her pieces aren't smooth, but slightly bumpy, textured. That's how hand-built things are. You can smooth them, but there's always going to be a little something. Her name's Emily Schroeder Willis.

Friday night there's a performance at the theater, and then later that night I'll be going, hopefully with a few friends, to see Warm Bodies at the movie theater in town. After that, all of the work. All of it.

We did the Harlem Shake in the cafeteria today. So many hilarious costumes. One girl was dressed as the Pope and her Bible was an Organic Chemistry book. XDDD I had my Rilakkuma bear (bought at Setsucon) practically strapped to my head so (and hopefully if I'm on camera the effect worked the way I wanted it to) it looked like a person with a bear head dancing. Ways to be involved and not show your face, haha. Sophie and Sarah came by afterward, after we got some dinner, and we went to FF.net and found hilariously weird Skyward Sword fanfiction. And they both finally got to see Hyrule Historia.

My POE (major) is probably going to be approved: Donna, one of my advisors, is ready to sign it, and then I just have to give it to Bethany, then bring it to the Registrar, and I'll be able to get that out of my hair and just focus on my classes, and NOT on whether or not I'll actually be leaving this school in a year. Quite important. But I can't see the Registrar not accepting it.

I'm feeling more optimistic than I have in a while.

Current Mood: good

Or: CJ Suffers From a HUGE Inferiority Complex.

I have to produce 15 lidded vessels by next Thursday, making three different kinds of lid, on the wheel. And by 15, I mean 15 GOOD ones. Which means probably THROWING a good... I dunno, with my skill level on the wheel, 30 or 40?

This combined with forgetting over the weekend (hello, personal issues) that I had to do an assignment for WAM that I literally could not do this morning because it requires listening to an episode of This American Life and they're too long for me to have thrown something together this morning... guess where my stress level is? Yeah. I am not going to the first class. I won't be able to contribute, anyway. It'll count against my two allowed unexcused absences, but I really don't care at this point.

I'm dreading showing the vessels I made for today's class. I handbuilt all of them (and one isn't assembled because that's the one I gave up on, because it looked stupid--I'm hoping the ones I did throw aren't too small to be counted), so of course they're not nearly as polished as anything on the wheel, which is pretty much what everyone else will have done. Boot may not have done it because both of her wrists are screwed up, and this one other kid--don't remember his name--handbuilt because he messed up one of his hands. I specifically didn't throw over the weekend because I didn't want the aggravation from failing to add to my already down mood. Seems it's gonna be forced on me this time. I feel like I took the coward's way out in handbuilding, and I'm just waiting to get talked to about it. I'm at such a disadvantage, though. Everyone starts somewhere, but everyone else in that class already got their start. I'm just starting now. I'm starting to wish I hadn't taken this class just yet and done Wheel Throwing first, although I don't know if I'd have gotten to take this one before I graduate. I wonder if it would have been worth it to wait on this.

I need to breathe. I know stressing out over this isn't going to help me, but I can't help it. I think if I just had to throw some vessels, it wouldn't be too bad. It's the lid thing. And everything has to look aesthetically pleasing. The lids and the vessels have to go together. I have to figure out what I'm doing.

I am going to be in that studio all day on Friday. Damnit.

Sorry. I'll stop.

Current Mood: FUCK.

Good: Heather and A's friend is back from overseas, and she's now rooming with A, so the two of them are pretty much never here anymore, as they're always in A's room.

Bad: That moment when I come back from a dance performance and the two of them are snuggled up in here, in bed, and it smells like skin in here, damnit.

Worst: When they don't say a single thing to me and leave to go to A's room.

First of all, rude as hell. Am I the only one who thinks it's rude not to acknowledge someone, flat out ignore them, pretend they're not even there? Because it irks the hell out of me. I was raised to at least say hey, if nothing else. I wish Heather would shoot me a text whenever A's in here, too. They were dressed, fine, but maybe I want some warning. Then again, whenever Heather's around A, any manners she may have fly right out the window.

Holy crap, can this semester be over already? I want my own space. I want to know that I'm going to come back to my room and no one will be in it unless I've invited them in. Seriously, if I don't room with Sophie and all the singles get taken before I get to pick, I'm going to Res Life to talk. -_- The good thing at least is I'm at the tail end of the first group of students to pick rooms, thanks to my GPA. Pretty sure I count as a senior now, so I'm thinking I'll be fairly high up on the list. I won't find out until sometime in March as Room Draw approaches.

Fucking annoying. ANYWAY.

Had my first week of classes. Digital Audio Production is going to be interesting. Prof. Rhodes is teaching it, for the first time, and he has someone there that has a degree in audio engineering and steers him in the right direction if he's getting something wrong, but his explanations of things can kind of... meander a little. Basically, I'm going to be reading the book like a boss. We're getting quizzed, too, so I need to keep on top of it. Photography, we haven't gotten into too much--not everyone has a camera at the moment--but we did experiment with photograms, and we'll be working with them again on Monday. We're going to be casting plaster molds in Intermediate Ceramics, which is going to be hilarious, I'm sure. I'll also be mixing clay at some point. Writing Across Media II will probably be fun despite my original concerns, and the class is stupidly small, which should make projects a breeze. Tai Chi, I was going to drop because I really don't want to be getting out of classes at three on Fridays. It's completely wrong. But I'm keeping it for now. I figure it'll be a good way to end my weeks, and Phil's a really nice guy; just his presence is calming.

Happy with my classes, unhappy with being back in this dorm. It's the first official weekend of the semester, and I'm expecting raucous drunken parties at some point tonight and/or tomorrow. Will not live in South next year; I'll probably go back to TnT, which I really should've lived in in the first place since they're known for being low-substance abuse, and the third floor of Terrace was pretty quiet when I lived there. But no, I listened to Heather, who most definitely had an ulterior motive in suggesting South. Namely that her girlfriend and a good chunk of the History Herd lives here. All my good friends are in TnT on the opposite end of campus.

Meh, done with this. I'm going to sit and draw for a while.

Went to see The Hobbit with Charlie on the 21st. He took our having fun together as a sign that maybe I'd want to try again at a relationship. I was forced to let him down, and there was really no gentle way to do it. It was like, no matter what I did, he was getting his feelings hurt/hopes dashed. Not what I wanted, but he brought it on himself. I knew it would happen, too. I told Craig before we left that I had a feeling he'd ask me out again. I purposely paid for my own food and ticket so there was nothing about it that screamed date, even though I'm broke and didn't need to spend the money. Meh, I say. So now I kinda feel bad, and he said to let him know when I want to hang out next, but again, I'm broke, and it's also gotten really weird now.

And of course, there's one person I'm interested in and this is exactly what I'm afraid will happen if I say anything. 9_9 Relationships, why are you so stupid?

Anyway.

Final grades for Fall 2012 semester:
A in Digital Storytelling
A in Principles of IT
A- in Wine in a Vessel
A- in Writing Across Media (Totally could've been an A, except I skipped class twice, both times having to do with my evil stomach/girl problems in September, and I didn't participate very much, but I wasn't extremely enthusiastic about that class. I'm actually scheduled to take a second class with that professor and I'm really tempted to drop it from my schedule because she's not at all engaging. Nice lady, but that class was mindnumbingly boring.)

My GPA went from 3.613 to 3.675. Quite pleased about that. Also, the storage vessel I made in WiV is gonna possibly be in the student exhibition in the spring, and if not, it'll be in the art department's display during the Liberal Arts Symposium. Either way, it's being displayed. Everyone absolutely LOVED it when we pulled it from the wood kiln, so it'll be nice to get some recognition for it.

Registered for 18 credits next semester, but that's likely changing. China Today's gonna probably be dropped. Unemployment's ended because of the whole fiscal cliff thing and Congress being assholes, so I haven't gotten any money since... the week of the 9th, I believe. I've already contacted Juniata to tell them I've lost my source of income and am worried about paying the rest of my tuition and fees, so at least they know that--I'll be going to talk to Financial Services the first day of classes, before my 10am. But anyway, that throws paying things into total doubt, so the optional short-term study-abroad class is of course the first thing to go. I'm also registered for Nonverbal Communication (not required, but thought it would be interesting) and Writing Across Media 2 (which like I said, I might drop, depending on my impression the first day or so). The definitely-staying classes are Beginning Photography, Intermediate Ceramics (which I'm not registered for at the moment, but I will), Digital Audio Production, and Tai Chi (because why not? XD). If I throw away the other three, I'll need one more credit to stay full-time because Tai Chi's only two credits. There's a class I'd have liked to take, but it conflicts with ceramics, unfortunately. Chances are I won't drop all three of the classes. Nonverbal Comm should be interesting, and I've heard nothing but great things about the professor.

For the past two weeks, I've just been trying to remind myself to not worry so damn much. The money thing keeps creeping up in my mind. My parents weren't supposed to have to help me, they have their own bills to pay. Now Mom's saying if it comes to it, they'll just have to support me while I'm in school. On one hand, I'm happy that she agrees that I need to finish what I started. On the other, I'm incredibly frustrated that it even has to come to this. I'm trying to just be calm about it, though. Enjoy the break before classes start up again. Breathe.

Current Mood: okay
Current Music: Homestuck - Upward Movement (Dave Owns)

That glorious moment when your roommate cuts off her girlfriend by shushing her because she's talking too damn much while they're supposed to be watching Battlestar Galactica.

Current Mood: busy
Current Music: Thrice - Red Sky

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meitantei_cj

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I'M HOME Y'ALL

That moment when you're doing better than you thought!

So today I was showering and was visited by fireflies. XD;

Pfffft, apparently, I was right.

Binder!

Okay.

Texts.

So...

So I have money now...

Fun times. XD;

Well that was a bombshell. XD;

(no subject)

FUCK MY LIFE

She's popping bubble wrap.

Inspiration

Heather, shut up. -_-;

FUCK FUCK FUCK.

Gah.

Well now it's awkward.

Vindication.

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May 2014

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